It was wonderful to spend the day at home yesterday. There is no doubt that our decision to return home was right. As I searched for a word to best describe what being home means, the one that rings truest was sanctuary.

Like many words there are variations in meaning, both stark and subtle. Synonyms include holy place, temple, shrine, tabernacle, altar, sanctum, refuge, haven, harbour, oasis, shelter, retreat, bolt-hole, foxhole, hideout, hiding place, hideaway, den, asylum, safe house, reservation, preserve, home.

All pay homage to the etymology (history) of the word in the Latin sancutus (holy) to sanctarium (holy place) to old French sanctuaire to Middle English sanctuary, by which time the meaning had expanded to embrace not only holiness but security and refuge. To my mind, the word sanctuary, with its modern use in both secular and sacred contexts, is a wonderful acknowledgement of the continuing truth that the source of our security is ultimately in the realm of the divine.

So we are settling back into our sanctuary and absorbing the peace and confidence that ensues and embraces us here.

It was a busy sanctuary yesterday though. Yes, there were quiet, and even serene, moments but it was generally a hive of activity. There were visitors, phone calls, texts and emails, medical examinations and discussions, washing, cooking, shopping, conversations both raucous and hushed, laughter and tears - all in good measure. Yet again we see that life is a paradox and things that we often define as 'opposites' are in fact far from mutually exclusive, and often mutually reliant a la 'joy and grief'.

Medically, the indications are that Sue has a significant, if not complete, obstruction of her bowel. This is no doubt due to impact from either 'the tumour' or 'a tumour'. Following on from an external examination yesterday, the doctor believes that there may well be a further tumour(s) in/around the bowel. This is not a surprising development. Whatever the cause, the usual process of food intake, stomach action, intestinal action and output action (you know what I mean I am sure!) is severely compromised. Obviously, food intake that cannot be properly processed and effectively 'out-put' creates pressures internally that demand release, if not in the normal way, then by other abnormal means (usually by throwing up). In Sue's case the relationship between the stomach and bowel seems a bit confused as a result of the tumour(s) so, together with the obstruction, that means.... well, things are a bit of a mess!! If one was slightly crass and insensitive one might use the phrase 'all dressed up with nowhere to go' in explanation!

Since Monday morning, the best response to this was to shut the process down by ceasing intake - no food, just clear liquids and electrolyte replacements to stay well hydrated.  This held things well while we traveled. The down side to this is that without input, the gastro-intestinal system sort of 'shuts down' or 'gets lazy' and ceases to try and move/work around obstructions. At its worst, not even air/wind passes as output. I probably do not need to explain further using balloon metaphors do I? I heard the most surprising phrase from the doctor yesterday - "If I could just hear Susanne fart I would be a very happy man!". What more can I say.....

In discussing things with the Palliative Care team yesterday, they suggested that if Sue felt like eating she could slowly begin to do so and 'see what happens'. Sue responded quite appropriately by suggesting that among the first things to eat should be some Cadbury Rum and Raisin Old Gold chocolate, so a trip to the shop was quickly organised! We will wait and see what happens over the next day or two.

Sue is also experiencing some hallucinations (audio and visual) and gets confused or 'disconnected' at times. Other times she is absolutely on the ball and locked into the reality of 'here and now'. The cause of this could be anything from the impact of medications, to toxins released into the body by the cancer, to cancer activity in the brain to.....  Whatever the cause, the good news so far is that the hallucinations are not distressing for Sue (or me) and she is aware that they are not real. Her sense of humor is firmly intact.

Not surprisingly, Sue is also developing a new super-power. Henceforth she may be referred to as Able-to-fall-asleep-anywhere-repeatedly-and-for-long-periods Woman. I have shortened this to 'Sweet Sleeper' for convenience!

So as I write, the Sweet Sleeper is exercising her superpower in the next room. Our Sanctuary is momentarily quiet. My mouth curls toward a smile and I feel the slight sting of nascent tears as I think of all that has been, is now and is coming. And I am deeply grateful in ways innumerable and inexpressible. Strangely, all is right with the world.

Let all who find sanctuary in you be glad;
Let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may rejoice in you.