Below is the text of my words to those gathered to celebrate and give thanks for Sue's life and legacy. Not a eulogy as such, as you will see...

 

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Introduction

Wow, there is quite a group gathered here. Thank you all for coming to recall, reflect, appreciate, celebrate and give thanks for Sue’s life and her legacy. Unlike the private family Memorial Service held in the Adelaide Hills last week, few of you here will know much more than a ‘slice’ of Sue’s life. You will have your own unique knowledge, experiences and perspectives. For most, these will be limited to more recent years.
It is tempting, and common, on occasions such as this to attempt to complete a fuller picture of Sue’s life and achievements. I am not going to do that. I am not going to deliver a eulogy as such.

I could talk for hours about Sue, but in the end the picture would still be more incomplete than complete. In truth, I was still getting to know her, appreciate her, and love her more completely and deeply right up to the moment she died – in fact, I realise that I still am on that journey. If you want to know more about Sue’s life, or indeed her death, you are welcome to ring, text, email, visit or stop me in the street. Don’t be shy! I love to talk about her, us, our family and her influence…

Tonight I want to honor Sue by talking about a couple of very significant things we learned together from living the journey over the last couple of years. In doing so I will ‘preach’ a bit. That will be no surprise to most of you! I pray your indulgence as I do……

 

We learned about Healing

On learning of Sue’s cancer diagnosis, many (including we ourselves) prayed continually for her healing. We also prayed for God’s will to be done. Were these prayers answered? 

If we define ‘healing’ as full and complete physical restoration, or even remission of the cancer, clearly this did not occur. However, there was much healing in the 22 months from diagnosis until death, and it is continuing now. ‘Healing’ can legitimately be defined as being in an improved or restored position, or being made whole. This is not limited to improved physical health – though we are inclined to think primarily that way.

Here are some of the healing that occurred in the last two years:

  • Sue and my work/life balance
  • Our ever increasing joy in being constantly together
  • My health
  • Our relationship as a couple – an ever deepening love and appreciation
  • An opportunity to learn about practical care of another in life and in death
  • An increase of medical and pharmaceutical knowledge and skills
  • Our deepened understanding of intimacy, especially without the joy and pleasure of sex
  • Our capacity to willingly accept ministry and grace from others
  • Our reliance on God
  • Our confidence in God
  • Changed and enriched relationships between us and all our family members
  • Changed and enriched relationships between our family members
  • Deeper understanding about life and death and how we cope with both
  • Opportunity to minister directly and indirectly into the lives of many many many people who shared our joys, sorrows and ‘ever-changing’ normal life….
  • Confidence in dealing with grief and loss (our own and others’)
  • The list goes on…….

And of course, the ultimate restoration that occurs at death when earthboundedness, brokenness and distress gives way to heavenly freedom.

No, Sue was not healed FROM cancer – we were in significant ways, healed BY and THROUGH cancer. What an exquisite paradox. Sue and I talked of this often and recognise that much of this healing was/is so valuable that we would actually choose it again despite the extreme context. 

Let’s not limit, impose and demand a particular response from God to our prayers for healing or release from distress, but open ourselves to the beautiful uncertainty of His will being done in our lives.

 

We learned about Life in Relationship

Life is to be lived in relationship; in community. Right from the beginning, our Creator God knew that it was not good for man to be alone. The scriptures themselves are a guidebook of how to live in relationship with each other and with God. Marriage and family is wonderful expression of God’s plan. So are friendship and community. As these God-designed relationships (marriage, family, friendship, and community) grow and prosper, we are all beneficiaries – we are all affected. Relationships leave an imprint and a wonderful ‘sticky residue’ – they influence and change us. As individuals, we carry not only the genetic legacy of our parents through our DNA, we also carry the imprint and residue of our interactions with life – especially our relationships with others. I guess this is ‘nature’ and ‘nurture’ in a nutshell!

VERY FEW here tonight share genetic DNA with Sue – what a beautiful gift and legacy that is for those who have that privilege.
ALL of you gathered here carry, directly or indirectly, some ‘imprint’ of Sue because of relationship with her, or with others (e.g. me) who had relationship with her - as Mitchell so beautifully described a few minutes ago. One way or another, we are all here because of the impact and influence of a relationship with Sue and, because of that, our relationships with each other.

Whether we are aware of it or not, we are who we are, in greater or lesser part, because of relationship with Sue. This will carry forward in time and through generations. This is her legacy (as it will be each of ours in due time). It is profound and eternal. She leaves a sweet sweet fragrance and a deep and lasting imprint behind her. This is part of God’s plan and gift to us.

So, as people who carry an imprint, we have the opportunity and responsibility to wring every bit out of Sue’s legacy to us. We do this by living our life as fully and appreciatively and graciously as we are able, telling ‘Sue stories’ as we go.

But while we continue our lives, we also grieve to reality that Sue is no longer physically near to us.

 

We learned (and are learning) about Genuine/Authentic Grief

Generalisations are dangerous I know, but generally, in our culture (whatever that is...) we do not do death and grieving well. As Christians we often don’t do much better despite our professions of hope in our eternal life through Christ. This is strange when you think about it, because our bodily death is inextricably linked with our earthly life and is the one thing that we will all share and all have to deal with.

I am learning that genuine/authentic grief is an expression of love and loss – of joy and value and beauty experienced, appreciated and remembered. It is honest and open. This sort of grief is born of relationship. This grief is an expression of love – in fact it is a burden of love. We cannot grieve deeply and well without also loving deeply and well.

On the other hand, sadness born of self-pity, anger, bitterness or regret, is a wholly different thing. It is closed and isolating and cloying. It is not an expression of love at all. It is self-indulgent and ugly. This sort of sadness has no place in our grieving.

Also, in our uncertainty and fear, we often revert to ‘politically-correct’ sombreness and downcast, emotionless paying of ‘respects’ for the ‘passing’ of ‘the loved one’. It feels false, jarring and discordant. How much better to be look another in the eye and say with honesty - “I don’t know what to say”, “I’m sad”, “It must be tough for you right now”, “I’m gutted” or “do you remember that time when…” or whatever. We need to get better at this stuff!! Me included. We can practice tonight.

In stark contrast, sadness and tears born of genuine authentic grief, which itself is born of love, is healthy and natural and honest and beautiful. Though at times overwhelming, this sort of grief is not isolating and dark. This sort of grief, this wonderful burden of love, should be shared, just as the love on which it is founded is shared.


Invitation and Challenge

So I invite you, our (mostly) northern family, friends, community - those who have known and loved Sue long and well, and those who carry a lesser imprint too:

• carry Sue’s natural legacy forward as you live each day
• occasionally stop and recognise and give thanks to God for Sue’s imprint in your lives, and
• grieve honestly and well together and support each other – grieve as you have loved.

In doing this you will honour Sue most appropriately.

Thank you.

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